The Moving Decision

It looks like we are going to be leaving Abu Dhabi in a few months. This is about 3 years sooner than we had originally thought might be the case, but Jim has been offered an amazing new job back in the U.S. and, after carefully weighing the pros and cons, we have decided to take it. This decision has had me thinking and remembering our decision to move here a year and a half ago. This post is about lessons learned. If you face the decision about whether or not to move here with questions answered, or at least knowing what questions to ask, then you'll be better prepared.

When my husband was offered a job in Abu Dhabi, we, like many of you, thought, "Where??" The job was a wonderful opportunity for Jim, so we knew we had to consider it and when we visited in April of 2009 we were really taken by the place. So then we started researching. We decided that we could adjust to the climate. We had both once lived in Texas, which gets really hot in the summer, so we thought Abu Dhabi couldn't be much hotter than that. Wrong! Be prepared to take pets for walks only after dark or around sunrise. And be prepared to spend most of your time indoors from May through September. Thankfully, there are lots of air-conditioned indoor play centers at the malls here (and there are lots of malls). You can even go skiing indoors in Dubai!

We had lived in places where the traffic was a challenge, so we thought Abu Dhabi's traffic couldn't be any worse than sitting in stop and go traffic in Silicon Valley. Wrong again! There are traffic laws in Abu Dhabi and even radar equipped cameras to deter speeders (and people tell us it is much better than it was five years ago), but some drivers appear determined to simulate Formula One race conditions on busy streets. You need to stay alert and drive defensively here. And we've never gotten used to the fact that public safety campaigns to have kids in car seats or at least to wear seatbelts are just beginning here. Progress is being made, but change will take time.

Left-turn lanes? How about a left from the lane next to the turn lane? Or the lane next to that? You have to be prepared for other drivers to turn from any lane at any time. Pedestrian-right-of-way? Not much chance in Abu Dhabi, though being here does sharpen your senses and make you more alert as a pedestrian. We once lived in New Hampshire where pedestrians always have the right of way, and people there believe in that right so much that they cross the street s-l-o-w-l-y and in random places. If you're from New Hampshire and considering moving here -- watch out for cars because they will not wait for you. And if you are in Abu Dhabi and travel to New Hampshire, please brake for pedestrians and wildlife!

We learned that some of the homes (called "villas" here) in Abu Dhabi have construction issues. We had lived in homes or apartments with "problems" before, so we thought we could manage anything that might come up. Not quite! We joked that our first villa seemed to be made of a sponge material. Because the roof leaked, the walls soaked up the rain. (Yes, it does rain here from time to time and there are a few downpours in the winter.) During a particularly heavy storm, water poured from our kitchen ceiling and we caught it in large coolers. There were puddles around nearly every window. Paint bubbled up and peeled. Mold grew on the wall in our kids' room. So we moved to a new villa. It hasn't rained since we moved, so we're just hoping this one is built better. For some inexplicable reason, light bulbs burn out faster here. In the first villa, and this one, we were/are constantly replacing the outside light bulbs as well as the bulbs in the stairways. You will get to know your air conditioning technician, electrician and plumber very well. Put their numbers on speed dial and don't forget that an occasional tip for great service will be very much appreciated.

As a parent, you want to know that your kids will be happy wherever you live -- and school is a huge part of that, so we researched all of the school possibilities before moving here. We got input from people we knew who already lived in Abu Dhabi. The Human Resources team had already gathered lots of information on schools and passed it along to us. These folks were all fairly new to Abu Dhabi as well, so they were learning along with us. We were naive to think we could pick the one we liked and our kids would, of course, get in. Not so easy! We got reassurances from the employer that it wouldn't be a problem, but it was, at least at the beginning! We arrived a few weeks before the start of school only to find out that one son was "in" but the other was on a waiting list. He was finally "in" after missing the first week of classes. We believe the delay was due to AJ's special needs. So, the lesson learned is to apply to several schools and be prepared to make a trip here to do assessments/interviews.

There are many great schools here, but competition for admission is tough. They all have waiting lists because sometimes they don't know if a student will be returning or not until the very last minute. Parents may hold off on telling the school that they're moving so they can keep their options open. Special needs for your child can make the school's decision to accept them more difficult. In our case, the special support teacher at the school we applied to also had to assess AJ. Please refer to my earlier post on questions to ask potential schools regarding support for special needs.

The school situation has not been easy for us in Abu Dhabi. I will not name the first school our kids attended on this blog, but the special needs support there was not good enough in our opinion. At our first parent-teacher conference, we were told by the special support teacher that if she were to have "assessed" AJ at that point, he would not have been admitted. We were told by this teacher and his regular class teacher that he was falling behind academically and that they didn't know what to do with him. They felt that the extra attention that he needed (repeated directions) was taking away from the other students. (The one positive thing they said was that he was a very sweet, loving child.) They also refused to allow any "accommodation" for him to help with his learning and focus, such as a fidget or special chair, saying "This is not a special ed school." After hearing negative feedback like this for several months, while we were doing all we could to help AJ not fall behind, we decided to look for another school. We found a school where the teachers were much more accepting and supportive of special needs kids and willing to work with us to help AJ. We moved both of our kids there in March of 2010 and have been extremely pleased with the school since then.

And now, we're moving again. How can we do this to our kids, you might be asking? We can do this because we know that they handle transitions extremely well (better than me). We can do this because we have the support of a wonderful family and friends in the U.S. (and many wonderful friends here, too). We can do this because we know AJ will receive formally mandated accommodations to help him to succeed. We will no longer be forced to supplement his education with outside tutoring or occupational therapy that we have to pay for ourselves. The struggle will not end -- we're not fooling ourselves -- but at least we'll have better and more established resources, some of which will be based in the school itself.

Living in Abu Dhabi has been very good for our kids and for our family. We have made friends from all over the world and had some incredible opportunities to travel and learn about this region of the world. We would not trade this experience for anything, but we need to keep things in perspective -- this has been one powerful experience among a number of important experiences in our lives. We will never forget this remarkable place and the people we have come to know here. And now we move on. What will I miss the most? The friends we have here. It is a great place to make friends! We will never forget Abu Dhabi and the wonderful friends who have made it such a great (if occasionally challenging) place to be!

For our kids and your kids and future ex-pat kids with special needs,
Karen
specialneedsabudhabi@gmail.com

P.S. I have not yet decided what to do about this blog when we move. If you have any ideas, please let me know. I had hoped for it to be more interactive, so I might have a sense of whether you find it helpful. Please comment and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!

Confessions of a Recovering Control Freak

I am a recovering control freak. I admit it. A control freak is someone who is determined to make things happen exactly in the way they want and who tries to make other people do what they want*. I've read that the only thing I can truly control is how I react to someone or a certain situation. I guess that would be called self-control. Self-control is defined as having strong control over your emotions and actions*.  

When a person is under stress, they tend to fall back onto their old patterns. Like the other night, when hubby was out of town and I was on my own with the kids. I've shared this with you before, that when their Dad's away, their before-bedtime extra-hyper behavior goes up a few degrees. It's like they think it's time to hurry up and scream, run, jump, chase the dog/cat/each other, and throw stuffed animals all over the place. I fell back onto my old pattern which is to get more and more frustrated and yell louder and louder. I was losing control -- of them and especially of myself. It was the third night of this and I was so tired of them not listening to me that, while stuffed animals were flying, I went into the guest room to escape -- and pray. I cried and prayed like crazy. Then, I stopped. And listened. 


A voice from somewhere inside me said, "So what if they throw their stuffed animals?" 


I went back into the kids' room and said, "Go ahead and throw your stuffed animals."


They both looked at me like I was nuts. 


They asked, "Won't we get in trouble?" 


I said, "No, it's okay. Go ahead and throw stuffed animals all you want for 5 minutes."


They loved it (except for when AJ hurt JT by hitting him in the face with his stuffed cat). The rest of the evening went pretty well after that.


The next night, still solo, before going upstairs I asked both boys to come and sit with me for a little talk. I told them that we all had misbehaved last night and we needed to do better tonight. I asked, "Do you think we can do better?" They both said yes, and I said I would do better too. Then they asked "Can we throw our stuffed animals again?" I said they could for 5 minutes, as long as there was no hitting in the face, and that when I said the 5 minutes were up they were to stop, put the stuffed animals back where they belong, and start getting ready for bed. They said okay. It worked! They stopped when I said the time was up, and continued with our usual bedtime routine with no problems. 


I know in my heart -- just like a recovering addict knows they shouldn't take a drink or pop pills or eat an entire cheesecake -- that I need to stay calm, be patient, set a good example. Sometimes we falter. Sometimes, I yell. Sometimes, I slam doors. Sometimes, I demand. And in my heart I know that when I do these things, the situation or the behavior gets worse. 

Sometimes you have to give a little to calm things down.


My kids take Judo classes. In Judo, the student learns to use equilibrium (or balance) and leverage to handle the opponent. If the opponent pushes, you either counter their energy by pushing back to hold your ground or use their energy and pull them forward. In the scenario I described above, pushing back takes a lot of energy and escalates the conflict as my kids react by pushing back in their own way. In my opinion, giving in to my desire for control is akin to using force or pushing -- which is often met with equal, if not greater, resistance. This is the path to escalation. As a parent, I'm learning that I must stay in touch with my intentions to calm the situation. Sometimes this requires me to give a little. I can choose to use the energy in the situation differently to gently pull us all in the direction of peace. Plus, I get 5 more minutes to listen to my kids laughing!


Some might call this self-control. For me, it's more than that -- better than that. When I can remember that I am not alone, that there is a higher power supporting me, then I am able to let go of the frustration and anger -- and act out of love for my kids instead of treating them like they're the enemy.


What do you do to calm yourself and your kids down before starting the bedtime routine?

* Definitions from the online Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary

Special Books for Kids

I read a lot of books -- books about special needs, parenting books, self-help books, books about spirituality, books about inspirational people, and (yes) mushy love stories. Reading is something I truly enjoy and it's a passion that I hope to pass along to my children.

There are many wonderful children's books out there, full of fantastic characters and exciting adventures. We have a bookcase full of them! During one of my recent visits to Booksource in the Khalidiya Mall in Abu Dhabi, I came across a display of children's books that all seemed to share a similar theme: self-help for kids! Dr. Wayne Dyer, who has written countless self-help books for adults, has written quite a few children's books as well. Louise Hay, known for writing wonderful books about meditation and self-healing, has also written a children's book. I decided to buy a couple of these books and see what my kids would think about them.

The book I chose by Dr. Wayne Dyer (with Kristina Tracy) is entitled No Excuses! How What You Say Can Get In Your Way.

A Little Sister, Older Than Me

I am writing today about a topic that is very hard for me to write about -- my 68-year old sister, Gretta. She was 18 years old when I was born in 1959. She was number 3 out of 5 children, when I became number 6. Gretta is the first person I ever knew with special needs. (Please note that I am writing this based on my personal recollection almost 50 years later. The details are a bit difficult to remember.)


Gretta was born with what was then called mental retardation. To just look at her -- at 20, 30, 40 years of age -- you wouldn't know this about her. I thought she was beautiful. She had flawless skin, a beautiful smile, lovely dark brown hair with hints of auburn, a sweet personality, and the most infectious laugh of anyone I've ever known. Intellectually, Gretta never grew beyond the age of 4 or 5 years old. She attended a special education class at elementary school for a brief period but had to withdraw because she had seizures, which the teacher was not able to handle. Gretta did learn to print the alphabet, her name, and other simple words, as well as simple reading. Her speech was very easy to understand compared to some of her friends.


I was told that when I was just a baby, Gretta started trying to hurt me -- by biting and pinching me, and squeezing me too tight. This was when my parents made the tough decision to place her in a state school for the mentally retarded in Mexia, Texas. Gretta loved living there. She made friends with many others girls who were like her. She helped in the nursery with the "babies" (6-7 year-olds in diapers and cribs) who were placed in the school because their families could not care for them. And once, every couple of months, we would make the drive to Mexia and bring her home for a one or two-week visit.

A Near-Perfect Afternoon

AJ's Occupational Therapist had to cancel their session for this afternoon. It's only for 30 minutes, but it is so helpful to AJ. He gets to do fun stuff that also strengthens his muscles, his mind and his abilities -- and his self-esteem. He has a wonderful relationship with his OT and works really hard to do the exercises well so that he gets positive feedback.

I gave a lot of thought to what we could do together this afternoon that would have similar benefits as his therapy. On the way home from school (I forgot to bring their DSs, again), we played a game of trying to say tongue-twisters faster and faster. Try saying "Sally sells seashells by the seashore" slowly, then a little faster, then much faster! Then try "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers!" And then there's "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Then we tried making up a few. This was the most fun commute we have ever had, and it went by so fast!

My Treasure, My Heart: My Dear Husband

My husband Jim and I have similar temperaments when it comes to dealing with AJ's meltdowns. We both tend to react by yelling too often. We forget that yelling doesn't help anything. We forget that yelling actually makes things worse. The good thing is that we balance each other out -- when I see him losing patience, I take over with calm and understanding. When I lose my patience, he takes over -- like a few nights ago.

AJ, a few days a week, has a lot of trouble at bedtime. Sunday night, he really needed a bath but was refusing to take one. (Lesson to learn: giving in once sets a precedent that's hard to undo.) We finally got him to take his bath but what followed was a complete meltdown -- slamming doors, refusing to brush teeth, refusing to put his pajamas on, screaming... anything he could think of to push our buttons. But, that's not true. He does not do this out of meanness. He's trying to tell us he needs something. I couldn't hear this that night. Jim did.

Fun Therapy Ideas for Your ADHD or SPD Child

AJ has been going to see an Occupational Therapist, off and on, for several years. We have learned a lot from them -- especially just how important it is to work on gross and fine motor skills, and they helped us to understand AJ's sensory-seeking behavior and how to help him to get the sensory input he needs to feel settled and at peace. At the occupational therapy sessions, he does things like jumping on a mini trampoline, catching and throwing balls, walking forward, backward, and across on a balance beam, doing the wheelbarrow walk on his hands in a figure-8 pattern, and following step-by-step instructions for an obstacle course. His favorite things to do at OT these days, before the session starts, is to build his own obstacle course with the large, heavy foam wedges; and, at the end of the session, to be rolled across the room inside a large, foam barrel.

Watching the OT sessions and talking with his therapist have given me great inspiration about things we can do at home even without all the expensive therapy aids. Here are a few things we do:

Note: Please remember that AJ is 7 years old. Some of these would not be safe for younger kids. Please consult with your doctor or Occupational Therapist for advice.

The Right School for Your Special Needs Child

If you are considering a move to Abu Dhabi -- or, if you are considering moving your special needs child to a new school -- here are some questions you may want to ask the school representative before making your decision:

1.  What is the school's philosophy regarding special needs? Is a diversity of abilities accepted?

2.  What kind of support does the school provide (or allow) for children with special needs?

3.  Does the school have a special resource teacher? If so, what kind of training does that teacher have? What is his/her experience?

4.  Are children pulled out of regular classes for special support? If so, how often?

5.  Are school counselors and classroom teachers trained in understanding special needs? (Some schools require training for teachers -- some do not.)

6.  Is there a school nurse and are they able to dispense medication? How does the child get from class to the nurse to take medication -- on their own, or does someone take them?

7.  What types of accommodations are allowed (or not allowed) at the school? Ask for examples and/or be specific with the types of accommodations your child may need. Will the school provide any of these accommodations or are the parents responsible?

Grandma is Here!

My husband's mother is visiting us in Abu Dhabi for about 5 weeks, having just arrived on Wednesday night. A lot of people reading this may be thinking, "Oh, I feel for you!" but, in reality, I've looked forward to her visit almost as much as the kids (and her own kid)! My husband and I have been married for over 25 years, so Grandma and I have had lots of time to work through our differences and appreciate and love each other. A huge part for me was learning to let go of problems that took place in the past and to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship, and her strong connection to her grandkids. We have wonderful, heart-felt talks when we're together. We both enjoy shopping. We both enjoy eating. We both enjoy being a tourist -- there is still so much to see and learn about in Abu Dhabi and I'm happy to have her here to share it. I'm sure there will continue to be times when we clash -- mostly over her saying "yes" a little too often to the kids (from my perspective, not hers), but you know what they say about grandparents and spoiling... not much one can do about it! A little spoiling from time to time is not so bad.

Her first night here, AJ insisted on sleeping with Grandma. She had no problem with it, so instead of going with my first instinct to say "absolutely not!" -- I said yes -- and he slept through the night with her. (I'm not sure how she slept though, given the jetlag, but she didn't complain. She never complains!) AJ slept with her again last night and slept all night. (He has promised that it won't be every night... We'll see.) He did get up before her and took her false teeth downstairs to play with them. :o) We found them (the teeth) sitting by the kitchen sink this morning!

Grandma has spent a lot of time reading about ADHD and is genuinely interested in understanding that side of AJ. It's so nice that she supports us in this. She doesn't blame his behavior on poor parenting skills. And she has a calming influence on both our kids, which is very welcome. So, welcome Grandma! It's so good to have you here! We love you!!

For our kids,
Karen

Children Learn What They Live

This is a favorite poem of mine that one of my kid's teachers sent home last year...

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism,

he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,

he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,

he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with jealousy,

he learns to feel guilty.

vvvvvv

If a child lives with tolerance,

he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,

he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,

he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,

he learns justice.

If a child lives with security,

he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,

he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

he learns to find love in the world.

~Dorothy Law Nolte~

For our kids,

Karen

Lessons I've Learned

I've learned that it's not worth fighting about breakfast every morning, trying to get AJ to eat something. So, I make him pancakes every morning -- with bananas (or pumpkin) mixed in, and chocolate chips. Breakfast-time is much more calm now.

I've learned that he needs transition time for any change about to come up -- like a 5-minute warning that it will be time to put shoes on and go to the bathroom before we head out the door for school; like the 10-minute warning that TV time is about to be over; like the 10-minute warning time that it will be time to leave his playdate; etc. I've learned the hard way, that without that transition warning, he may end up having a tantrum or crying.

I've learned that I should not get angry with him when he wakes up 3-4 times during the night. He goes back to sleep in his own bed much easier if I remain calm and quiet and gently lead him back to bed. I've learned that the night he wakes up the most is Saturday night -- before school starts after the weekend. (Weekends in Abu Dhabi are Fridays and Saturdays.) I remember I was the same way back when I was in school. Anxiety creeps in.

I've learned that "heavy work" is good for him, especially in the evenings. Like -- I've learned that he loves to vacuum! The pushing and pulling of the vacuum really helps him -- he actually asks to do it!

Please Share Your Story to Help Others

Dear Parents,

As I've mentioned before, I have learned a lot from "non-experts" -- parents like you who have been through similar experiences as my family. We can all learn from each other. Please consider writing a short story describing your family's personal experience with your child's special need(s). What were YOUR child's symptoms and diagnoses? What struggles and frustrations, achievements, setbacks, solutions and hopes have you experienced with your child? Reading another's personal story may help someone to recognize their own child's symptoms and inspire them to find the best ways to help them. You might also be rewarded with answers that you never considered before by sharing your story.

To post on this blog, just click the "___ comments" link after one of my posts. We would all love to hear from you!

For our kids,

Karen

Nighttime Routine

My husband and I have an established nighttime routine for our kids -- which works very well, some of the time. After dinner, which ends around 7 PM, our routine consists of:  going upstairs, undressing for bath, using the toilet, washing hands, brushing teeth, flossing, taking bath/shower, putting on pajamas, picking out books to read, and getting into Mom and Dad's bed for reading time. For some reason, as soon as it is time to start these nightly rituals, AJ and JT "up" their hyper behavior. If Dad is working late, it goes up even more. It's like their minds are telling them -- "Hurry! Time is running out to run, bounce, scream, slam doors, chase the cat, turn lights out on Mom, sneak in a game on DS, hide TV remote, hide under Mom and Dad's bed, wrestle my brother! We've got to get it all done -- quickly!" We try to be patient and calm, but sometimes yelling does happen  -- and it does not help!

I've been looking online for ideas on taming this behavior -- such as things we, as parents, can do to calm ourselves down and techniques to help calm our children. One suggestion I see over and over is behavior charts. As an adult with ADD, charting is something I have started and stopped often, only to feel guilty for once again not completing something. Well, I'm trying it again! From FreePrintableBehaviorCharts.com , I have printed out a sheet of "Things I Need to Work On!!" for each of my kids, with a Spider Man character at the top for good measure. I'm going to list 5 behaviors each of my kids needs to work on and give them a sticker for each day it is accomplished. At the end, they will get a reward -- such as dinner at their favorite restaurant, an afternoon of playing at the mall fun center of their choice, an ice cream cone, a new toy, etc. (still working on this list!).

In addition, I've created a list of our Bedtime Rules, which I will post in their bedroom and bathroom. I had a bright idea for this list. Since my kids are visual learners, I'm going to get out my camera and take a picture of each of them doing some of the things they need to do to prepare for bedtime. My hope is the act of being photographed doing what they're supposed to do will reinforce that behavior. Then, I'm going to print the list with these photos included. I'll let you know how it goes!

For our kids,
Karen

Sleeping Problems

AJ takes two medications for ADHD -- Concerta (once daily) with booster doses of Ritalin in the morning and after school. Usually falling asleep is not a problem, but staying asleep can be hard for him. On the advice of his psychiatrist in the U.S. and his psychiatrist here (Dr. Yousef Abou Allaban at the American Center for Psychiatry and Neurology), we started giving him Melatonin at night. This has helped a great deal, except when AJ is feeling a lot of anxiety (such as the first week of school). One night, after he had gotten up about three or four times, I had a bright idea (which isn't common for me when I'm half asleep!). When he gets up, what he wants is to crawl into bed between my husband and me because the closeness makes him feel safe and secure. So, I quietly took him back to his bed and then placed a pillow on each side of him -- I told him to pretend one pillow was Mommy and the other was Daddy. Then I pulled his covers up and placed his weighted blanket on top. It worked! Now, he sleeps through the night most nights. Granted, the anxiety has decreased with getting used to school again, but I feel that the Mommy and Daddy pillows made a huge difference.

About AJ

AJ, and his 6-year old brother JT, are adopted siblings. They have the same birthparents, were born in the U.S., and were adopted at birth. Their birthmother is African-American and part Cherokee. Their birthfather is Italian and Polish. About a year after adopting AJ, we received a call from the adoption agency telling us that another baby was on the way -- and would we be interested in keeping them together? I think it took all of about two seconds for us to say YES! This is a decision we have never regretted. It's wonderful that they have each other. And Jim and I are truly blessed to have them in our lives.

JT (on left)   AJ (on right)