Welcome to Special Needs Abu Dhabi

Raising a child with special needs can be, in itself, quite challenging. Raising a child with special needs in a new country seems to add much more to that challenge. I started this blog shortly after my husband and I, and our two sons, moved to Abu Dhabi in the summer of 2009. We lived there for under 2 years and are now living back in the United States.


Our oldest son, AJ, has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder. Finding the resources in Abu Dhabi to help him with his special needs was an ongoing effort. In the U.S., the public school system provides testing, accommodations, and an Individual Education Plan (IEP) for students with special needs, so we were spoiled there -- and dismayed at the seemingly apparent shortage of resources available to ex-patriot families (aka "ex-pats") in Abu Dhabi.


There are resources available in Abu Dhabi -- you just have to know where to look. Which is why I started this blog. My hope was to bring together in one place information to help parents of kids with special needs... so you will at least have a starting point. I also wanted this to be a place where we can reach out and support one another with advice and sometimes just a shoulder to lean on.


We have been back in the U.S. for about a year now, and I haven't written on the blog since the move -- until now. There have been a few parents who found the blog and wrote to me for advice -- and I have been happy to give it. I'm glad that it continues to serve its original purpose of helping ex-pat parents to find resources in Abu Dhabi to help their kids with special needs.


Recently, I have begun feeling the need to write again, but I've been unsure how to move ahead with the blog. In hindsight, I don't know if life is any less challenging in the U.S. than it was in Abu Dhabi. There are still daily struggles. I continue to advocate for my son who has ADHD -- to get him the help in school and in life that he needs in order to thrive, learn and grow. There have been steps forward and backward. I have felt hopeless and hopeful.


If you are in Abu Dhabi, or considering a move there, please leave a comment. If you know of resources that you've found helpful, let me know and I'll add them to the list. If you come across an article or book that has made a difference in your child's life, please share. Most of all, I hope you will share your stories. Wherever you are, it's good to know you're not alone.


Thanks for coming by.


For our kids,

Karen

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Confessions of a Recovering Control Freak

I am a recovering control freak. I admit it. A control freak is someone who is determined to make things happen exactly in the way they want and who tries to make other people do what they want*I've read that the only thing I can truly control is how I react to someone or a certain situation. I guess that would be called self-control. Self-control is defined as having strong control over your emotions and actions*.  

When a person is under stress, they tend to fall back onto their old patterns. Like the other night, when hubby was out of town and I was on my own with the kids. I've shared this with you before, that when their Dad's away, their before-bedtime extra-hyper behavior goes up a few degrees. It's like they think it's time to hurry up and scream, run, jump, chase the dog/cat/each other, and throw stuffed animals all over the place. I fell back onto my old pattern which is to get more and more frustrated and yell louder and louder. I was losing control -- of them and especially of myself. It was the third night of this and I was so tired of them not listening to me that, while stuffed animals were flying, I went into the guest room to escape -- and pray. I cried and prayed like crazy. Then, I stopped. And listened. 


A voice from somewhere inside me said, "So what if they throw their stuffed animals?" 


I went back into the kids' room and said, "Go ahead and throw your stuffed animals."


They both looked at me like I was nuts. 


They asked, "Won't we get in trouble?" 


I said, "No, it's okay. Go ahead and throw stuffed animals all you want for 5 minutes."


They loved it (except for when AJ hurt JT by hitting him in the face with his stuffed cat). The rest of the evening went pretty well after that.


The next night, still solo, before going upstairs I asked both boys to come and sit with me for a little talk. I told them that we all had misbehaved last night and we needed to do better tonight. I asked, "Do you think we can do better?" They both said yes, and I said I would do better too. Then they asked "Can we throw our stuffed animals again?" I said they could for 5 minutes, as long as there was no hitting in the face, and that when I said the 5 minutes were up they were to stop, put the stuffed animals back where they belong, and start getting ready for bed. They said okay. It worked! They stopped when I said the time was up, and continued with our usual bedtime routine with no problems. 


I know in my heart -- just like a recovering addict knows they shouldn't take a drink or pop pills or eat an entire cheesecake -- that I need to stay calm, be patient, set a good example. Sometimes we falter. Sometimes, I yell. Sometimes, I slam doors. Sometimes, I demand. And in my heart I know that when I do these things, the situation or the behavior gets worse. 

Sometimes you have to give a little to calm things down.


My kids take Judo classes. In Judo, the student learns to use equilibrium (or balance) and leverage to handle the opponent. If the opponent pushes, you either counter their energy by pushing back to hold your ground or use their energy and pull them forward. In the scenario I described above, pushing back takes a lot of energy and escalates the conflict as my kids react by pushing back in their own way. In my opinion, giving in to my desire for control is akin to using force or pushing -- which is often met with equal, if not greater, resistance. This is the path to escalation. As a parent, I'm learning that I must stay in touch with my intentions to calm the situation. Sometimes this requires me to give a little. I can choose to use the energy in the situation differently to gently pull us all in the direction of peace. Plus, I get 5 more minutes to listen to my kids laughing!


Some might call this self-control. For me, it's more than that -- better than that. When I can remember that I am not alone, that there is a higher power supporting me, then I am able to let go of the frustration and anger -- and act out of love for my kids instead of treating them like they're the enemy.


What do you do to calm yourself and your kids down before starting the bedtime routine?




* Definitions from the online Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary

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