I am a recovering control freak. I admit it. A control freak is someone who is determined to make things happen exactly in the way they want and who tries to make other people do what they want*. I've read that the only thing I can truly control is how I react to someone or a certain situation. I guess that would be called self-control. Self-control is defined as having strong control over your emotions and actions*.
When a person is under stress, they tend to fall back onto their old patterns. Like the other night, when hubby was out of town and I was on my own with the kids. I've shared this with you before, that when their Dad's away, their before-bedtime extra-hyper behavior goes up a few degrees. It's like they think it's time to hurry up and scream, run, jump, chase the dog/cat/each other, and throw stuffed animals all over the place. I fell back onto my old pattern which is to get more and more frustrated and yell louder and louder. I was losing control -- of them and especially of myself. It was the third night of this and I was so tired of them not listening to me that, while stuffed animals were flying, I went into the guest room to escape -- and pray. I cried and prayed like crazy. Then, I stopped. And listened.
A voice from somewhere inside me said, "So what if they throw their stuffed animals?"
I went back into the kids' room and said, "Go ahead and throw your stuffed animals."
They both looked at me like I was nuts.
They asked, "Won't we get in trouble?"
I said, "No, it's okay. Go ahead and throw stuffed animals all you want for 5 minutes."
They loved it (except for when AJ hurt JT by hitting him in the face with his stuffed cat). The rest of the evening went pretty well after that.
The next night, still solo, before going upstairs I asked both boys to come and sit with me for a little talk. I told them that we all had misbehaved last night and we needed to do better tonight. I asked, "Do you think we can do better?" They both said yes, and I said I would do better too. Then they asked "Can we throw our stuffed animals again?" I said they could for 5 minutes, as long as there was no hitting in the face, and that when I said the 5 minutes were up they were to stop, put the stuffed animals back where they belong, and start getting ready for bed. They said okay. It worked! They stopped when I said the time was up, and continued with our usual bedtime routine with no problems.
I know in my heart -- just like a recovering addict knows they shouldn't take a drink or pop pills or eat an entire cheesecake -- that I need to stay calm, be patient, set a good example. Sometimes we falter. Sometimes, I yell. Sometimes, I slam doors. Sometimes, I demand. And in my heart I know that when I do these things, the situation or the behavior gets worse.
A voice from somewhere inside me said, "So what if they throw their stuffed animals?"
I went back into the kids' room and said, "Go ahead and throw your stuffed animals."
They both looked at me like I was nuts.
They asked, "Won't we get in trouble?"
I said, "No, it's okay. Go ahead and throw stuffed animals all you want for 5 minutes."
They loved it (except for when AJ hurt JT by hitting him in the face with his stuffed cat). The rest of the evening went pretty well after that.
The next night, still solo, before going upstairs I asked both boys to come and sit with me for a little talk. I told them that we all had misbehaved last night and we needed to do better tonight. I asked, "Do you think we can do better?" They both said yes, and I said I would do better too. Then they asked "Can we throw our stuffed animals again?" I said they could for 5 minutes, as long as there was no hitting in the face, and that when I said the 5 minutes were up they were to stop, put the stuffed animals back where they belong, and start getting ready for bed. They said okay. It worked! They stopped when I said the time was up, and continued with our usual bedtime routine with no problems.
I know in my heart -- just like a recovering addict knows they shouldn't take a drink or pop pills or eat an entire cheesecake -- that I need to stay calm, be patient, set a good example. Sometimes we falter. Sometimes, I yell. Sometimes, I slam doors. Sometimes, I demand. And in my heart I know that when I do these things, the situation or the behavior gets worse.
Sometimes you have to give a little to calm things down.
My kids take Judo classes. In Judo, the student learns to use equilibrium (or balance) and leverage to handle the opponent. If the opponent pushes, you either counter their energy by pushing back to hold your ground or use their energy and pull them forward. In the scenario I described above, pushing back takes a lot of energy and escalates the conflict as my kids react by pushing back in their own way. In my opinion, giving in to my desire for control is akin to using force or pushing -- which is often met with equal, if not greater, resistance. This is the path to escalation. As a parent, I'm learning that I must stay in touch with my intentions to calm the situation. Sometimes this requires me to give a little. I can choose to use the energy in the situation differently to gently pull us all in the direction of peace. Plus, I get 5 more minutes to listen to my kids laughing!
Some might call this self-control. For me, it's more than that -- better than that. When I can remember that I am not alone, that there is a higher power supporting me, then I am able to let go of the frustration and anger -- and act out of love for my kids instead of treating them like they're the enemy.
What do you do to calm yourself and your kids down before starting the bedtime routine?
My kids take Judo classes. In Judo, the student learns to use equilibrium (or balance) and leverage to handle the opponent. If the opponent pushes, you either counter their energy by pushing back to hold your ground or use their energy and pull them forward. In the scenario I described above, pushing back takes a lot of energy and escalates the conflict as my kids react by pushing back in their own way. In my opinion, giving in to my desire for control is akin to using force or pushing -- which is often met with equal, if not greater, resistance. This is the path to escalation. As a parent, I'm learning that I must stay in touch with my intentions to calm the situation. Sometimes this requires me to give a little. I can choose to use the energy in the situation differently to gently pull us all in the direction of peace. Plus, I get 5 more minutes to listen to my kids laughing!
Some might call this self-control. For me, it's more than that -- better than that. When I can remember that I am not alone, that there is a higher power supporting me, then I am able to let go of the frustration and anger -- and act out of love for my kids instead of treating them like they're the enemy.
What do you do to calm yourself and your kids down before starting the bedtime routine?
