Minnie's Shoe

I took down the Christmas tree today while Jim took the boys to lunch and a fun center. I kind of like doing this by myself so I can ponder over each ornament and the meaning it has for me and our family. There's the "First Christmas Together" ornament from when Jim and I first got married (three days before Christmas). There's the "Baby's First Christmas, 2003" for when AJ was almost one year old. Then there's the "Baby's First Christmas, 2004" for when JT celebrated his first Christmas. And there are all the Hallmark Keepsake ornaments which we've tried to collect every year that Jim and I have been married. We always look for a special one with the year on it and we have one for just about every one of our 26 years. Our tree is decorated with a mix of breakables and non-breakables. When we decorated the tree together this year, I tried to grab all the breakables and place them up high but, inevitably one of the kids would hang one down low. I worried that they would break one or that the cat would knock it off the tree. Jim helped me to realize that it's not about the fragile ornaments. It's about the kids wanting to take part in this special family tradition. I let go of my anxiety and enjoyed my kids and it was a wonderful time.

Shortly after the tree was up, I found something odd. It looked like a very long, tiny, uncoiled spring. I followed the length of this very long spring and found something else odd attached to the end. It was bright yellow, very shiny, pointy on one end, a little bit round on the other, with a tiny red painted bow on top. I picked it up to examine it more closely. Hmmm, glittery. Ah ha!! Minnie Mouse's shoe! Attached to Minnie Mouse's leg! Not attached to Minnie Mouse!

I love a mystery, so I went directly to the Christmas tree to see if I could find the Minnie and Mickey Mouse ornament on the tree. Not there. But down below, hiding under the tree skirt, was the cute little ornament with Minnie and Mickey riding a bicycle, with springy legs dangling -- minus Minnie's leg. Then I looked up and saw a guilty-faced AJ watching me. He said, "I'm sorry." I asked, "What happened?" He said, "I was playing with it and her leg fell off." (Hmmm.) I asked, "How did her leg get stretched out so long?" He answered, "I don't remember. I'm sorry."

My first thought was to throw it all in the trash, but that thought quickly vanished. I decided that this is a Christmas memory I want to save. So what if it's not perfect. I still love it and I love the little boy who broke it. So, I'm going to glue Minnie's extra long leg back on and let it dangle. And I'll smile every year when I see it. And, if it survives the years, maybe it'll end up on AJ's tree some day.

For our kids,
Karen
specialneedsabudhabi@gmail.com

Pick my son!

Like many other kids with special needs, AJ is not the most athletic, not the most socially-adept, not the most coordinated kid on the playground. What he lacks in ability, he makes up for in enthusiasm and sheer determination to help others have fun. He doesn't understand the rules, though, and would rather make them up as he goes. This frustrates other kids. And he doesn't get picked to play ball games at recess.

AJ has gotten in trouble at school due to his lack of social skills -- his desire to fit in, to please. Last year, another child told AJ to say a naughty 4-letter word out loud in class. He had never heard the word before, so he said it and got in trouble. I found out about it through another mom who called me that night to tell me that her child told her that AJ had taught the whole class a new word!  Then, yesterday, AJ was spurred on by a couple of other kids to switch the lights off and on while the teacher was out making copies. Today he is spending his recess inside, cleaning the white board. I worry what bigger things he'll be tricked into doing as he grows older.

We try to teach AJ the importance of game rules, but he just doesn't always get it. I don't know if it's just too overwhelming for him. I don't know if it's a memory problem. I don't know if it's just lack of coordination. All of this is a part of ADHD. I just wish to God that the rules were not so important to the other kids. I wish to God that more children made fun their main priority instead of competition and winning. I wish more children were kind-hearted. I wish more children were more accepting of differences. I think we would all have more hope for the world's future if we could just teach our children these simple things. Winning isn't everything. Being first isn't everything. Being the best isn't everything. Winning, being first and being best all have one thing in common -- everyone else loses. And for some of those who lose, they lose self-esteem. They begin to believe they're not as good as. They begin to blame themselves and to stop trying. Playground meanness can have life-long effects. Take it from someone who has been there.

For our kids,
Karen
specialneedsabudhabi@gmail.com

The Moving Decision

It looks like we are going to be leaving Abu Dhabi in a few months. This is about 3 years sooner than we had originally thought might be the case, but Jim has been offered an amazing new job back in the U.S. and, after carefully weighing the pros and cons, we have decided to take it. This decision has had me thinking and remembering our decision to move here a year and a half ago. This post is about lessons learned. If you face the decision about whether or not to move here with questions answered, or at least knowing what questions to ask, then you'll be better prepared.

When my husband was offered a job in Abu Dhabi, we, like many of you, thought, "Where??" The job was a wonderful opportunity for Jim, so we knew we had to consider it and when we visited in April of 2009 we were really taken by the place. So then we started researching. We decided that we could adjust to the climate. We had both once lived in Texas, which gets really hot in the summer, so we thought Abu Dhabi couldn't be much hotter than that. Wrong! Be prepared to take pets for walks only after dark or around sunrise. And be prepared to spend most of your time indoors from May through September. Thankfully, there are lots of air-conditioned indoor play centers at the malls here (and there are lots of malls). You can even go skiing indoors in Dubai!

We had lived in places where the traffic was a challenge, so we thought Abu Dhabi's traffic couldn't be any worse than sitting in stop and go traffic in Silicon Valley. Wrong again! There are traffic laws in Abu Dhabi and even radar equipped cameras to deter speeders (and people tell us it is much better than it was five years ago), but some drivers appear determined to simulate Formula One race conditions on busy streets. You need to stay alert and drive defensively here. And we've never gotten used to the fact that public safety campaigns to have kids in car seats or at least to wear seatbelts are just beginning here. Progress is being made, but change will take time.

Left-turn lanes? How about a left from the lane next to the turn lane? Or the lane next to that? You have to be prepared for other drivers to turn from any lane at any time. Pedestrian-right-of-way? Not much chance in Abu Dhabi, though being here does sharpen your senses and make you more alert as a pedestrian. We once lived in New Hampshire where pedestrians always have the right of way, and people there believe in that right so much that they cross the street s-l-o-w-l-y and in random places. If you're from New Hampshire and considering moving here -- watch out for cars because they will not wait for you. And if you are in Abu Dhabi and travel to New Hampshire, please brake for pedestrians and wildlife!

We learned that some of the homes (called "villas" here) in Abu Dhabi have construction issues. We had lived in homes or apartments with "problems" before, so we thought we could manage anything that might come up. Not quite! We joked that our first villa seemed to be made of a sponge material. Because the roof leaked, the walls soaked up the rain. (Yes, it does rain here from time to time and there are a few downpours in the winter.) During a particularly heavy storm, water poured from our kitchen ceiling and we caught it in large coolers. There were puddles around nearly every window. Paint bubbled up and peeled. Mold grew on the wall in our kids' room. So we moved to a new villa. It hasn't rained since we moved, so we're just hoping this one is built better. For some inexplicable reason, light bulbs burn out faster here. In the first villa, and this one, we were/are constantly replacing the outside light bulbs as well as the bulbs in the stairways. You will get to know your air conditioning technician, electrician and plumber very well. Put their numbers on speed dial and don't forget that an occasional tip for great service will be very much appreciated.

As a parent, you want to know that your kids will be happy wherever you live -- and school is a huge part of that, so we researched all of the school possibilities before moving here. We got input from people we knew who already lived in Abu Dhabi. The Human Resources team had already gathered lots of information on schools and passed it along to us. These folks were all fairly new to Abu Dhabi as well, so they were learning along with us. We were naive to think we could pick the one we liked and our kids would, of course, get in. Not so easy! We got reassurances from the employer that it wouldn't be a problem, but it was, at least at the beginning! We arrived a few weeks before the start of school only to find out that one son was "in" but the other was on a waiting list. He was finally "in" after missing the first week of classes. We believe the delay was due to AJ's special needs. So, the lesson learned is to apply to several schools and be prepared to make a trip here to do assessments/interviews.

There are many great schools here, but competition for admission is tough. They all have waiting lists because sometimes they don't know if a student will be returning or not until the very last minute. Parents may hold off on telling the school that they're moving so they can keep their options open. Special needs for your child can make the school's decision to accept them more difficult. In our case, the special support teacher at the school we applied to also had to assess AJ. Please refer to my earlier post on questions to ask potential schools regarding support for special needs.

The school situation has not been easy for us in Abu Dhabi. I will not name the first school our kids attended on this blog, but the special needs support there was not good enough in our opinion. At our first parent-teacher conference, we were told by the special support teacher that if she were to have "assessed" AJ at that point, he would not have been admitted. We were told by this teacher and his regular class teacher that he was falling behind academically and that they didn't know what to do with him. They felt that the extra attention that he needed (repeated directions) was taking away from the other students. (The one positive thing they said was that he was a very sweet, loving child.) They also refused to allow any "accommodation" for him to help with his learning and focus, such as a fidget or special chair, saying "This is not a special ed school." After hearing negative feedback like this for several months, while we were doing all we could to help AJ not fall behind, we decided to look for another school. We found a school where the teachers were much more accepting and supportive of special needs kids and willing to work with us to help AJ. We moved both of our kids there in March of 2010 and have been extremely pleased with the school since then.

And now, we're moving again. How can we do this to our kids, you might be asking? We can do this because we know that they handle transitions extremely well (better than me). We can do this because we have the support of a wonderful family and friends in the U.S. (and many wonderful friends here, too). We can do this because we know AJ will receive formally mandated accommodations to help him to succeed. We will no longer be forced to supplement his education with outside tutoring or occupational therapy that we have to pay for ourselves. The struggle will not end -- we're not fooling ourselves -- but at least we'll have better and more established resources, some of which will be based in the school itself.

Living in Abu Dhabi has been very good for our kids and for our family. We have made friends from all over the world and had some incredible opportunities to travel and learn about this region of the world. We would not trade this experience for anything, but we need to keep things in perspective -- this has been one powerful experience among a number of important experiences in our lives. We will never forget this remarkable place and the people we have come to know here. And now we move on. What will I miss the most? The friends we have here. It is a great place to make friends! We will never forget Abu Dhabi and the wonderful friends who have made it such a great (if occasionally challenging) place to be!

For our kids and your kids and future ex-pat kids with special needs,
Karen
specialneedsabudhabi@gmail.com

P.S. I have not yet decided what to do about this blog when we move. If you have any ideas, please let me know. I had hoped for it to be more interactive, so I might have a sense of whether you find it helpful. Please comment and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!

Confessions of a Recovering Control Freak

I am a recovering control freak. I admit it. A control freak is someone who is determined to make things happen exactly in the way they want and who tries to make other people do what they want*. I've read that the only thing I can truly control is how I react to someone or a certain situation. I guess that would be called self-control. Self-control is defined as having strong control over your emotions and actions*.  

When a person is under stress, they tend to fall back onto their old patterns. Like the other night, when hubby was out of town and I was on my own with the kids. I've shared this with you before, that when their Dad's away, their before-bedtime extra-hyper behavior goes up a few degrees. It's like they think it's time to hurry up and scream, run, jump, chase the dog/cat/each other, and throw stuffed animals all over the place. I fell back onto my old pattern which is to get more and more frustrated and yell louder and louder. I was losing control -- of them and especially of myself. It was the third night of this and I was so tired of them not listening to me that, while stuffed animals were flying, I went into the guest room to escape -- and pray. I cried and prayed like crazy. Then, I stopped. And listened. 


A voice from somewhere inside me said, "So what if they throw their stuffed animals?" 


I went back into the kids' room and said, "Go ahead and throw your stuffed animals."


They both looked at me like I was nuts. 


They asked, "Won't we get in trouble?" 


I said, "No, it's okay. Go ahead and throw stuffed animals all you want for 5 minutes."


They loved it (except for when AJ hurt JT by hitting him in the face with his stuffed cat). The rest of the evening went pretty well after that.


The next night, still solo, before going upstairs I asked both boys to come and sit with me for a little talk. I told them that we all had misbehaved last night and we needed to do better tonight. I asked, "Do you think we can do better?" They both said yes, and I said I would do better too. Then they asked "Can we throw our stuffed animals again?" I said they could for 5 minutes, as long as there was no hitting in the face, and that when I said the 5 minutes were up they were to stop, put the stuffed animals back where they belong, and start getting ready for bed. They said okay. It worked! They stopped when I said the time was up, and continued with our usual bedtime routine with no problems. 


I know in my heart -- just like a recovering addict knows they shouldn't take a drink or pop pills or eat an entire cheesecake -- that I need to stay calm, be patient, set a good example. Sometimes we falter. Sometimes, I yell. Sometimes, I slam doors. Sometimes, I demand. And in my heart I know that when I do these things, the situation or the behavior gets worse. 

Sometimes you have to give a little to calm things down.


My kids take Judo classes. In Judo, the student learns to use equilibrium (or balance) and leverage to handle the opponent. If the opponent pushes, you either counter their energy by pushing back to hold your ground or use their energy and pull them forward. In the scenario I described above, pushing back takes a lot of energy and escalates the conflict as my kids react by pushing back in their own way. In my opinion, giving in to my desire for control is akin to using force or pushing -- which is often met with equal, if not greater, resistance. This is the path to escalation. As a parent, I'm learning that I must stay in touch with my intentions to calm the situation. Sometimes this requires me to give a little. I can choose to use the energy in the situation differently to gently pull us all in the direction of peace. Plus, I get 5 more minutes to listen to my kids laughing!


Some might call this self-control. For me, it's more than that -- better than that. When I can remember that I am not alone, that there is a higher power supporting me, then I am able to let go of the frustration and anger -- and act out of love for my kids instead of treating them like they're the enemy.


What do you do to calm yourself and your kids down before starting the bedtime routine?

* Definitions from the online Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary